Journey to Heaven & Chasing What Matters

"I am sorry to tell you that the heart is no longer beating" are the words that forever more will haunt us at night and destroy us in the day, it has crushed our hearts into thousands of tiny pieces leaving us to pick them up one piece at a time and shattered our happiness in so many ways it sickening to think about. How can we have gone through this same completely happy feeling one day to just the lowest one can feel the next day twice in one year? How can any God put our baby boy through the trials of being diagnosed with Spina Bifida leaving us to all fight this battle only to take him for a completely unrelated reason. They say it is normal, almost natural to feel sad and angry and confused, "they" have no idea. How unbelievably sad Bryan and I are to feel like we have never really done anything wrong to any one to deserve this, to feel like we chose to keep our little boy and love him just the same if not more the way so many don't when finding out something they don't want to hear. It is indescribable how angry we are deep down that so many people in the world don't even want their baby, that so many women in the world are abusing their body while pregnant as I'm typing and crying this very moment and yet they will give birth to a perfectly healthy live infant. We couldn't be more confused, how can one not only lose their baby but then have to endure endless hours (for me 24 hours) of physical and emotional pain to birth their baby that will not cry when born, that will not make a breath or movement. How can it be that we will never receive a birth certificate for Chase, only a death certificate.

Nothing could break our hearts more, nothing can ever hurt us as much as every morning waking up and knowing your not here with us. I can not and most likely will not ever be able to reason "Why?" Why put us through the all the trials we've had only to take you away from us in such a painful way? I  don't want to be sad every time I think of you Chase, I want to be able to be happy and celebrate you for what you did for us. I want to be able to thank you for giving daddy and I the happiness and we felt when we found out we were having you, I want to thank you for the bond you have given us through finding out you were a boy, through you being diagnosed with Spina Bifida, through all of the efforts we put forward to provide the most love and the best care for you possible because we love you so very much and wanted nothing more than for you to grow up and see how much we cherished you from the beginning. I know it will take a while for me to get there though Chase, it is the most painful blow to even begin to think about what has happened. It hurts more than any physical pain I could ever feel and anything can set us off. One moment I want to see the pictures, I want to smell your little beanie and imagine you here with me again because it makes me feel so good for a minute and the next I'm in an uncontrollable fit of sobs and Bryan is holding me crying with me through it. 

You are such a handsome boy Chase, the hours we spent holding you were sad but peaceful and happy at the same time. You were exactly as I hoped you would be, blue eyes from daddy, brown hair from me, definitely Bryans son you have his nose and lips and my chin and oh my did you have his length at only 3.4 lbs you were a whopping 17 inches so long considering you weren't ready yet long arms and legs you were going to be so tall! So much of your family came to see you and there was so much love in the room Chase. You will always be ours and that cant ever change, there will never be a day where we dont think of you always, I love you so very much and I know that in life we being happy and love matter so much so I promise to always chase that happiness with you in my through love. If there is such a place I hope that you've made the journey to Heaven to be forever more in peace that much sooner.

Bryan and I are not ready and most likely will not be ready to talk about it with even some of our closest family and friends for a while so for now the best we can do is this small blog entry and it alone has caused multiple breakdowns. We know that it could have happened to any one and was not our faults but it does not make us feel better, we know were young and can have more children but we don't want another child we want our child and we never for a second have thought or believed that at least now he will not suffer because while Chase was going to have Spina Bifida we would have never let him suffer and personally know thousands of people live everyday with it perfectly happy lives.  We don't expect any one to know what to say, we don't even know what to say or would could be said to make it better. It just makes us happy to know so many people loved and supported Chase and us and we couldn't be more thankful for that.