Stress Rant

We Went and met with our San Diego team. Ill start by saying every one down to the janitor in this hospital is super nice and welcoming. I certainly felt more at ease there. It seems like the perfect little ending. Easy drive, Easy to get to, Wonderful people, Educated people.....but I'm still so scared. I pretty much mostly agreed with Dr. L(neurosurgeon) on most everything, I think we will kind of bump heads if/when it comes to shunting time but I still am scared to make this decision. I have always had Loma Linda in the back of my mind, not only is it closer to home which is a big plus when Dr. S (neonatalogist) told us Chase will be in NICU providing he comes when we tell him to 2-4 Weeks. Its an easy drive but it isnt a close one. They have great recommendations that I trust and Bryan and I have discussed that we would feel most comfortable if Chase is treated here after his birth on Bryans Insurance here anyways, so I guess I think to myself why not start here, why not just run out and get married and pay all the extra money to have him treated here. At the end of the day money isnt really whats in our hearts, Chase is and so even though San Diego seems like a good fit and I love my care at Riverside, I'm scared to not take the risk of changing everything just to make sure. I find myself desperately seeking the satisfaction that Ive tried every single thing I could for Chase and Im also terrified it will be my down fall. That Im always going to be this way and that no matter what I finally choose that Im always going to blame myself and wonder if I made the right choice. "maybe this doctor couldve sacrificed less nerves to close the opening, or maybe this doctor wouldve waited to shunt and he couldve had a successful ETV or just a million things. I dont know if Ill be able to stop at just Loma Linda with more options through Bryans Insurance I may continue on this trip of guilt Im on and want to go to 10 more hospitals. I'm just nothing but a worry wart and this is all stressing me out very much. =/