Friday, July 13, 2012
Welcome To The Grief Club, Book Club Is Down The Hall
So when Chase was diagnosed with Spina Bifida, I ran to support groups and research and studies and people and found a whole new very inspiring life and outlook. Bryan and I hopped over the hurdle so quickly I think we were even impressed with ourselves. So naturally I tried to do the same thing. I ran to articles about grief and overcoming it, and support groups and looking into studies about why, how, will it happen again...only this time everything is different. I don't feel I belong to the club of people who have lost older children, I don't quite belong to that club of women who just cant get out of bed, or even the club of women who seem so angry, I thankfully don't belong to the club of women who have gone through this multiple times, it makes my heart ache to read their stories and my soul is terrified of ever signing into that club. At the same time I don't feel like I belong to some of the more even spread stillborn groups for some reason. Every one is so individual with their grief guess and so it is hard to relate I find. It can be very easy to feel like an outcast in the groups or even with friends and family. I even found that as much as Bryan and I have in common that even we grieve very differently. I find myself running from those things the harder I try to go toward them I run faster. I think I cling to the fear of it all. I am not in a state of depression or angry or just a complete wreck, I am just afraid. I feel like Bryan and I are good people, are we perfect people? No, and while I don't think it is up to me to make such a big judgement but I really feel like we didn't deserve all that has happened this year. It has been such a hard year especially for Bryan, he has so much on his plate always, I really don't know how he does it all (My Hero). I'm very fearful of more bad things happening, of this happening again, of me not being able to be happy with my next pregnancy. It is quite overwhelming.
The worst part of all of this is the things people say and do. Friends, family members, people we know from the lives we live ( co-workers, cashiers at the grocery store, waitresses from our favorite places to eat, our favorite tellers at the bank)...I feel ashamed to tell them what has happened when they ask why my tummy is suddenly so flat again and I feel afraid of what they will say and sure enough it is usually something that just breaks my healing heart again. I know it will get easier with time to tell people and to hear comments and I just keep trying to push myself to take everything with grace and a smile on my face.
So with that being said it was so nice to have Bryans brother and sister-in-law down from Washington. I adore them and if anyone in the world could take Bryans mind elsewhere at a time like this it would be his brother. They are so much alike I cant stop laughing, you wonder if they will finish each others sentences. We took them to all our favorite places to eat that they don't have in Washington. We introduced them to our most favorite place in California and where we fell in complete love SAN DIEGO. I think they are in love with San Diego now too as they are already talking about planning a vacation there with their kids next time. We bbq'd lots and went to Sea World and the beach and shopping...well Jenn and I went shopping while the boys played football on the beach. It was great to be somewhere where one we love and two no one knew what happened to us, we were just people on a weekend trip with some family!
I also think Bryan and I have decided over the last week that we do want to try again to have another baby sometime within this next year. We bought this house that has too many rooms for just two people ,we decided we want little more in life than just to be together and we want a family so while I love picking up after Bryan, and he just loves me waking him up in the middle of the night, there's a lot missing from that picture and so I have been on the phone all morning talking to my Dr about what I need to do to make sure we have a successful pregnancy next time! Of course we cant start trying for awhile but Im happy we are on the same page =)
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Amazing blog. Your both amazing individuals.
ReplyDeleteThank You<3
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